I wish I could rest.

Real, deep, fulfilling rest. Laying my head down on a soft pillow and closing my eyes, without feeling the anvil resting on my chest. Sitting in the sun and listening to the birds in the trees, without feeling the heat of the sun’s rays set fire to my skin, my body scream from the exertion of my pose, and my mind in agony for being too long away from home. To just be – without being ill.

Continue reading “Rest”

An Illusory Sense of Control

My psychologist refers to it as “the moment you realise the world is not a safe place.” I prefer to see it as a realisation that you have no control over your life – that your carefully laid plains mean nothing, anything can happen to anyone at any given time, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For me, this realisation occurred when I first fell ill 7 years ago, and continues to occur again and again as this illness unravels everything I thought I knew about life.

Continue reading “An Illusory Sense of Control”

ME/CFS research matters

There has been some really exciting research into ME/CFS lately, with a particular focus on auto immunity, discovering biomarkers and measuring biological responses in the body. Let’s hope this is an end to the era of the pointless “psychobabble” study of ME/CFS! Continue reading “ME/CFS research matters”

Do you want some sickness on top of your sickness?

Warning: contains GIF

Above: an image from Me Made May. I had to cut the month short (documenting at least) due to illness.

I’ve been a bit quiet lately as I’ve been down and out with this virus that’s going around. I know, I know – there’s nothing more tedious than someone complaining about having a cold, especially on their blog! But viruses hit the chronically ill a lot harder than they do able-bodied folks. Continue reading “Do you want some sickness on top of your sickness?”

X-Men: The Last Stand & Disability

For the most part, X-Men: The Last Stand was an entirely forgettable movie. (Too many plot devices, messy direction, and how many characters can you kill off in one film?)

Why tho

But there was one scene which stuck with me, and resonates now that I have a chronic illness. Rogue and Storm are debating the ethics of a new drug which can remove (or “cure”) the powers of a mutant.

Rogue: Is it true? Can they cure us?
Prof. Charles Xavier: Yes, Rogue. It appears to be true.
Storm: No, Professor. They can’t cure us. You want to know why? Because there’s nothin’ to cure. Nothing’s wrong with you. Or any of us, for that matter.

Continue reading “X-Men: The Last Stand & Disability”

Smile – The Dangers of Enforced Positivity

Warning: contains GIFs

It’s the bugbear of the chronically ill and disabled – that oft-repeated refrain, “why can’t you just think positive?” Not only is it disheartening to hear that your genuine challenges are the result of not thinking enough happy thoughts, this kind of enforced positivity can undermine the real, lived experiences of the disabled community, and be used as a tool to silence protest.

An image of cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants. He smiles and holds his hands outstretched. An rainbow emanates from his hands. Caption reads, use your imagination.
Don’t you think that if I could have imagined my way out of this illness, I FUCKING WOULD HAVE ALREADY?

Continue reading “Smile – The Dangers of Enforced Positivity”